oh, my tumbr is towonder.tumblr.com :)

So~

I've recently discovered TUMBLR, :) It's actually a pretty cool website, definitely something I'm going to keep using; To those who don't know, it's pretty much just a mini blogging tool :) an awesome one at that...
I highly recommend it to those who blog and love blogging :)

more body jealousy // non-complainy blogging

For the whiny bitchy part of this blog post. For all the thin guys, (well thinner guys, because if I call myself fat I'm pretty sure someone would shoot me.) I'm extremely jealous of you; what you have, etc. 

QUITCHER/BITCHEN/AND/BLOG/NICE/DAMNIT.

Anywhoo...

I've seemed to have developed a problem with wanting what I can't have.. Like guys; Guys like Daniel Marthenisel Hahahaha. :) Particularly straight guys. (Is this qualified as complaining?) Yeah, it sucks, anyways!

JOB/JOB/JOBB~~~

I want to find a new job, so bad, McDonalds is wearing me thin. (Start Bitching By Accident) Sooner or later, instead of  "Hi there, welcome to McDonalds, how may I help you today?" It's going to turn into a much uglier, "WELCOME TO FUCKING FATTY LAND, ORDER ONE ITEM OR GET THE FUCK OUT."

Petland maybe? But some people are all like, "You'll never get in there, I tried that once."

So I'm left with no other option but to yell at fat native people asking them if they want a McChicken, and not a MUCKCHIK'N.... or if they want a Happy Meal and not a fucking Kids Pak, Oh and I'm tired of hearing, "Can I get a dipped cone?" "I'll have a chocolate ice cream cone." and "WHOPPER NO ONION"....

We are fucking---- wow.. I just started complaining... :B (End Bitching) 

But in all seriousness, the GO GO GO attitude is starting to make me cry, NO NO NO.

I work at 6AM tomorrow morning... WOO :)

also it's a STAT holiday ;) meaning TIME AND A HALF... next paycheck better be HUGE if I'm going to end up going to Egypt. :)

Which I want to do SO BAD...

every time we're close i, shiver.

so, blog, indeed it has been a while; but i've been somewhat distracted lately. i have a new friend! his name is benvolio; and he is my turtle! i love him! : ) and my paychecks have been amazing lately.. : ) etc etc etc. and PROM PROM PROM! i'm taking the lovely derbasaur. i cannot wait!

hedley concert!

so last night i attended the hedley concert, it was the best i've seen in a long time!
i got to meet with band, they signed my hoodie. :) it was just a great fucking evening. :)
i got chills when the curtain fell and Jacob, Dave, and Tommy popped out : D well, Chris just kind of sat there.. and played the drums :b but still chills!  the sweater song is my favorite new song.. :)
when the crowd started singing the na  na na part, it was almost euphoric. :)

i feel lost...

baww time riley. :/

So, I can't bring myself to actually cry, but I've been tearing up all night; feelings ranging from serious sadness to neutrality. I can't even lay here and feel nothing... I guess I have nothing to cry about, although it feels as though I should be crying.. This is the most torturous kind of depression, because you can't lay there and get it all out of your system. you can't be an empty shell of nothing. you're you, you're kind of happy, but your unhappy at the same time, it's fucking miserable. ALL I WISH TO DO IS LAY IN BED AND THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD, but i don't feel able to anymore.. :/ 


tl;dr i'm sad, but not sad enough to be depressed. and it's pissing me off.


I mean, I'm perfectly happy, but I'm not at the same time.. Something is building up inside of me and I can't get it out...  I don't know if there's something wrong with me, whether I'm fucked up, or not.. I just.. I need a break. I need to figure myself out.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/rileymarlow

tattz are fun :-)

so, i got my tattoo :) check my daily booth for some picss. also my twitter feed. : D

kaity//

K.L.H. ♥ oh how i've missed you; :) our five hours of 'milling around' or otherwise known as loitering, was clearly fantastic. :) we must hang out more often, if i do recall, the last time we watched a movie together was two years ago; horton hears a who :)

walking revalations // what is love? // nevershoutnever

you like the way that there seems to be no end to the trees littering the horizon of a late winter's sunset, and the way that the ice flows seemingly effortlessly across the smooth rivers surface. the lights high up on the bridge slowly intensify against the hastily darkening backdrop; some of them flicker lightly. high concentration on the ground you walk on, past footprints fly by; something shines in your eye. you look closer, it's a piece of rounded glass, you pick it up. realizing the dark is coming closer; almost swallowing the land the much lighter land that took place before. you walk in the direction you came from, seeing the same rocks you had before; an almost perfect clam shell lay open beside a proportionately large rock that is seems similar to the size of a small car. you find a difficult, but fast, way up the short cut banks. you walk up the house, and continue to live as you had before you left for your walk. // what is love exactly? a question from my english substitute asked us, if the characters in the story loved each other. i asked myself: well that would depend on ones definition of love is, would it not? i thought about voicing my question, then thought i would re touch on that later. so what is the definition of love? the definition is quite open ended, as the definition is what you make of it. in my mind, to love is to care for. you can love something with out all the bells attached, you don't have to kiss someone to love someone, all you have to do is to care. you're worried about your friend for instance; to me that is a form of love. i have no idea what being in love is. my perspective on it, is a longing for someone, and to me it's an "at first sight" kind of thing; you see someone, and you feel so literally attracted to someone that you almost can't stand not to gravitate towards them. // nevershoutnever!'s new album, "what is love?" inspired my inquisition above. and i thought i would talk about it a bit more, the songs are phenomenal, especially " i love you five " it's my favorite so far, so cheery and happy. :) i enjoy it thoroughly. so, check it out.

//50 forsure.

hang.

she grabs her magazines; she packs her things and she goes.

she leaves the pictures hangin' on the wall, she burns all her notes;

and she knows, she's been here too few years, to feel this old.

he smokes his cigarette, he stays outside 'till it's gone.

if anybody ever had a heart, well, he wouldn't be alone;
he knows, she's been here too few years, to be gone.
//
musiclove.
i'm diggin' slow melodies right now, mellow-dies. 
mattkearney, all i need;matchboxtwenty, hang;
beyonce, smash into you; froufrou, the dumbing
down of love; or the heavy methodical metal songs
flyleaf, inflames. mostly flyleaf; i love'em.
//
boys, boys, boys.
wow, slow down life. i can only handle a couple
of guys to be constantly on my mind at a time.
conflict of interest to the max, cept i don't know
which i am more interested in! a predicament 
i must say. 
//

ten songs stuck in my head // rollercoaster.

uno; flyleaf - i'm so sick

dos; kings of leon - closer

tres; greenday - twenty one guns

cuatro; blue october - sound of pulling heaven

cinco; billy joel - goodnight my angel

seis; florence and the machine - howl

siete; taylor swift - untouchable

ocho; coldplay - lost!

nueve; mayday parade - black cat

diez; imogen heap -  the moment i said it

// rollercoaster // 

so, i believe that my life is terribly up and down lately.

this morning i felt amazingly uplifted, like i could take on the 

world without a single shiver. but alas that is hardly the

case... i don't understand.. sometimes i believe that i can

stay happy, and it works for a little while, but i guess

i just slip occasionally. or like every afternoon. whenever

i'm not around people.. harrumph.

grey would be the color, if i had a heart // depressing title, non-depressing entry!

i now have the wonderful bed time of ten pm :) and it's working out great, i no longer feel irritable, well towards some people.. and i feel great :) also! i went shopping yesterday, my whole cheque is now gone :B but new shoes a new backpack! and new clothes! i feel great! although it's a little more than a week before i get payed my dinky little paycheque.. ; on-acounta my being sick and missing 5 shifts! D: i would have had over ten shifts on on cheque! D: that woulda  been huuge :b oh well, maybe in the next 2 weeks, after this. XD

and it's coming closer.

stranded in this spooky town

stoplights are swaying and the phone lines are down

this floor is crackling cold

she took my heart, i think she took my soul

with the moon I run

far from the carnage of the fiery sun

--Kings Of Leon [Closer]

kings of leon is an amazing band. great talent. highly recommended! 

sex on fire, notion, closer, use somebody, revelry, crawl, the runner, where nobody knows, etc etc. :)

the loss of decency in this world;

myspace is sure an eye opener; there are kids no older than me, wearing next to nothing, and this is the kind of thing they are sharing publicly, and by publicly i don't mean your average community, i mean, the whole entire fucking world. i just think, not only is it foolish, but what kind of person are they if they are revealing themselves so publicly. maybe they lust for fame and the only way to get it is by self-exploitation; maybe they just dont give a fuck, so they think to themselves, " no body can control what i do, so im going to go out of my way to look like a slut. "; or maybe they're doing it for attention. i dont even know why i'm so 'ranty' maybe i wish i had the body type that i could show off, or maybe i just felt like writing something in my blog... people are slowly shedding dignity and decency, for fame and attention. anyways i'd just thought i'd share my late night/early morning rant with you guys... goodnightmorning..

as we both know, we're in over our heads; the water is rising on a river turning red.

so, is the actual turn of my slump? am i actually going to turn around this time and be happy; actually happy? who knows... i just need to get back on track, get back to school, start going to work; that is if im going to keep my job or not.... harrumph.

fiftieth post of epic sauce? i think so :)

(click picture to blow your mind)

this is what i call a look into insomnia, via way of psychedelic voyage into the humans psyche. (: 

anyway, this was my first attempt of drawing. it's full of flaws, not completely erased marks, and it may completely suck.. but i think it looks cool. :)

so yeah, that's the kind of shit that explodes onto wasted trees, when i decide to put pen(cil) to paper. 

good night my angel, time to close your eyes.

lullabies are nice. lemme list some off for you :)


lullaby - the spill canvas
goodnight my angel - billy joel
bella's lullaby - carter burwell


piano is present in most lullabies, which to me makes it the most influential instrument, it can sooth, instill intimidation, arise almost any feeling and bring it to life. part of why i want to learn to play it so bad. (:

vday

dearest valentine; who should you be this year?  am i even going to ask anyone to be my valentine this year, highly unlikely. anyone i would want to ask is either straight, or unavailable. shitty, oh well. not too hurt, it’s just another day i don’t celebrate. ugh, monday is pj day at school, and i have a math test, and i have to work. general disgust all around! spirit week, you will be the death of me. although i detest it, i find it unnaturally fun, so i shall dress up regardless of how i feel about it. would that count as masochism? doing something you don’t want to do, but you do want to do it, because you don’t want to do it? does that even make sense? one side of me says “I DO NOT APPROVE I AM NOT CONSENTING THIS” and the other half is like, “ PEER PRESSURE, DONT BE A PUSSY, DRESS UP FOR SPIRIT WEEK BITCH” ~ well, that’s terribly off topic… i am one weird child..
hmmm, well, i am writing things as they come to me now..
i really want to refine my drawing skills, if i have any, but more realism, or surrealism rather. well, if i decide to pursue such non-sense, i’ll keep you posted, or keep my drawings posted rather. [WORDPLAY!] aha, amazing; anyway, i’m off to waste the night away doing nothing!
--riley marlow

we could take a journey down memory lane, but where would it really go? i already know you.

so it seems the balance has finally reset itself, things are returning to normal, well with a couple new friends to add along, one i shall mention is ms. hiebert/wallus etc :3  she is one who you or i might say is determined, strong, and able to see clearly, she has a level head on her shoulders, and she’s tough enough to bear through pain on any level. :) derbasaur, you’re friggen awesome!

 

more on the balance resetting, i’m finally as happy as i was before this giant dilema, :) as i said, things are finally normalish again as they always USUALLY are.. :b toodalooo :)

you'll probably cry, it couldn't get me to.. : /

green eyes; yeah the spotlight shines upon you. and how could anybody deny you.

hmm. lately i've been rather down, and for some reason, i don't mind. i still haven't cried, and i want to so bad, i'm almost embracing it. but i only get seriously down at work, or at school; i don't cry there. and when i get home: i'm cheered up by then. it's almost annoying... i feel like being incapacitated because of depression for a couple days, sleeping, crying, thinking, just for a couple days, but it never gets that bad. well, all i've learned in the past little while, is the grass will always look greener. whether you have a partner, there's always a small part that wants to be single, and when you're single, you want to be with someone so bad. it's ridiculous. if you have a job, you want to be unemployed, when you are unemployed you want a job. when your happy all the god damned time, you want to cry, when your depressed, all you want is to be happy. this may not be the case for you, however i feel insatiable, and greedy; i feel as if i'm constantly letting people down. but i can't get sad enough to actually cry, musically influenced or not. and then i get upset about that, and that's where i am right now. i feel incomplete lately, and i know why. it's all my fault to, no matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, i can't go back, i would look like a fool. and still i'm so concerned about my looks, the way people think of me; maybe that's the problem. i hate this, this cycling of feelings. optimism and happiness to anger from lack of sadness, to envy of the greener grass, to anger at myself for all the things i can't go back on, but wish i could. i can't stand anyone anymore, i'm grumpy irritable, i want to stay home all the time; i feel like i did before. like slipping into an endless comatose. then there's that feeling, of emptiness, of wanting someone who's going to hold you, and comfort you. i had that and threw it away too. i feel as if i wreck absolutely everything i've ever come into contact with, and that i just ruin it, everything. there will always be the friends that i won't get too close to, but will be considered my closest friends. i won't get close, because i'm afraid of breaking it. i break everything that means something to me, everything that has ever let me be me. to me, i have rocks, and porcelain dolls. my rocks: my family, writing, my future; everything that will be there, absolutely no matter what, no matter they fade, no matter what i do to them, i will always have them. they're unbreakable. then there is my porcelain dolls; every friend i've ever had, goals, aspirations, my happiness. these are things that will degrade, whether i have much a choice or not. people change, i am one of those people. i hate that. "people change." that's what ruins everything for me.


this sucks. legitimately. 


i feel my intuition slipping, like it doesn't effect the way i feel anymore, i feel my life degrading around me, except my rocks of course. 


and then there are the broken of course; all the things i've ever ruined for myself. i'd rather not go on.


i couldn't even describe who i would want, because it would be a list of specific people. so many variations, etc. i just feel like shit maybe, but i don't because life still makes me smile..

great music alert.

"there's a ghost in my lungs, and it sighs in my sleep; wraps itself around my tongue as it 

softly speaks. then it walks, then it walks with my legs: to fall, to fall, to fall, at your feet."

♥

♥

i've founded a new band guys, well with the help of none other than ms. horrocks

florence and the machine, check them out foshizzle. :)

my favorites are:

• howl
• drumming song &&
• im not calling you a liar ♥

yee. at least you tube this shit up. :)

♥

i wish i was special, so fucking special,

but i'm a creep.


ugh, i feel like complete and utter shit. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul. all that stuff, and it's never going to happen, i'm not nearly motivated enough to do something about it. one day i'll do push ups but the next i'll be fine with my body. the consistency doesn't exist in me, in order for something to change. there for, i am trapped in this endless pool of shit. im not asking for advice, nor am i asking for your feedback, all i want is to be skinny. slim. slender. etc. harrumph.

so, the performance was amazing. :) we may have fucked up i gotta feelin' but that's alright, i still had loads of fun. :) videos soon! the adrenaline was so energetic, : D can't wait to do it again next semester. : D

new years resoloutions

1. as cliche as it may sound, this year i'm re-inventing my outer look. slimming down, at least a little.
2. after that, go into dance lessons. jazz most likely.
3. to double pierce my eyebrow
4. and finally, to go into piano lessons, and buy myself a keyboard. :)
5. maybe if i have time for a social life i'll land myself a boyfriend. maybe, not too sure. 

this will happen.

body jealousy.

that stings a little, my eyes are burning: with the desire to be like they are, and with the desire to have one of them. but that’s improbable; i’d say never but never is a terrible word choice, as true as it may be. life sucks.

 

t.b.c’d

that god forsaken fucking room.

i will never step foot in that room ever again, so much stress and rage came from that bed; and injustice without borders. a late night mistake and a fuzzy brain, all that makes this equation complete. then exile, from the one who at that time mattered the most. as much as it’s in the past, it’s the one thing that won’t let go of me, haunting my sober brain. tearing apart my morals; yet still i don’t know what to believe. maybe i think too much. maybe, just maybe.

define;daydream

day·dream   (dae·dream)  n.

to have dream-like musings or fantasies while awake.

images fly around our conscious brains at speeds unknown, these pictures trigger thoughts, which in, turn triggers the thought of more pictures and thoughts. it’s an endless process in which we live. i would know, i live in it too. right now my mind is jumping from the last word of this sentence to the slant of the italics. the simple word ‘slant’ took me into a thought of trigonometry, Soh Cah Toa and whatnot.

the idea of thought is an interesting one. and i could only go on for eons about the way i think about things.

till next time,

“hey baby, you got one sexy laptop.”

so, pretty much i just got a laptop, it’s HOT SHIT. and that is all that this post is for. :)