green eyes; yeah the spotlight shines upon you. and how could anybody deny you.

hmm. lately i've been rather down, and for some reason, i don't mind. i still haven't cried, and i want to so bad, i'm almost embracing it. but i only get seriously down at work, or at school; i don't cry there. and when i get home: i'm cheered up by then. it's almost annoying... i feel like being incapacitated because of depression for a couple days, sleeping, crying, thinking, just for a couple days, but it never gets that bad. well, all i've learned in the past little while, is the grass will always look greener. whether you have a partner, there's always a small part that wants to be single, and when you're single, you want to be with someone so bad. it's ridiculous. if you have a job, you want to be unemployed, when you are unemployed you want a job. when your happy all the god damned time, you want to cry, when your depressed, all you want is to be happy. this may not be the case for you, however i feel insatiable, and greedy; i feel as if i'm constantly letting people down. but i can't get sad enough to actually cry, musically influenced or not. and then i get upset about that, and that's where i am right now. i feel incomplete lately, and i know why. it's all my fault to, no matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, i can't go back, i would look like a fool. and still i'm so concerned about my looks, the way people think of me; maybe that's the problem. i hate this, this cycling of feelings. optimism and happiness to anger from lack of sadness, to envy of the greener grass, to anger at myself for all the things i can't go back on, but wish i could. i can't stand anyone anymore, i'm grumpy irritable, i want to stay home all the time; i feel like i did before. like slipping into an endless comatose. then there's that feeling, of emptiness, of wanting someone who's going to hold you, and comfort you. i had that and threw it away too. i feel as if i wreck absolutely everything i've ever come into contact with, and that i just ruin it, everything. there will always be the friends that i won't get too close to, but will be considered my closest friends. i won't get close, because i'm afraid of breaking it. i break everything that means something to me, everything that has ever let me be me. to me, i have rocks, and porcelain dolls. my rocks: my family, writing, my future; everything that will be there, absolutely no matter what, no matter they fade, no matter what i do to them, i will always have them. they're unbreakable. then there is my porcelain dolls; every friend i've ever had, goals, aspirations, my happiness. these are things that will degrade, whether i have much a choice or not. people change, i am one of those people. i hate that. "people change." that's what ruins everything for me.


this sucks. legitimately. 


i feel my intuition slipping, like it doesn't effect the way i feel anymore, i feel my life degrading around me, except my rocks of course. 


and then there are the broken of course; all the things i've ever ruined for myself. i'd rather not go on.


i couldn't even describe who i would want, because it would be a list of specific people. so many variations, etc. i just feel like shit maybe, but i don't because life still makes me smile..